Blind-Sided

Last week Ryan spent some time downloading a bunch of music from CDs to his iPod, of course via the PC. Listening to this new playlist I came across a song with very obscene lyrics. I was so bothered that my son would choose to listen to this; we have been over FTSOY standards and he seems to buy into them. Kara (the merciful one) reasoned that he probably didn’t even know about it, as he just downloaded about 15 CDs in entirety, without listening to the music first. When I talked to Ryan that evening, fortunately his mother’s version of what happened was correct. However, there was another issue that we needed to discuss: music piracy. His friend had only lent him those CDs. I know this can be a tough concept for this generation because of its prevalence, its apparent harmlessness, and enforcement difficulties, but none of these things make it legal. He got it with relative ease. He understood that we really shouldn’t get something for free, even if everyone else does it and even if we feel we will never get caught. Removing the copied music would also solve the obscenity issue, so I was glad about that. I removed the copied music from the playlist, but I don’t really know how to remove stuff from the device. He said he’d do it. A few days later I asked if he’d done the purge. He hadn’t. I asked again Saturday. Nope. This morning I had the bright idea that I would simply ask for the iPod until he synched it up with the purchased playlist. He was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for his sister to take him to school – listening to his iPod. When I asked if he was planning to take it to school, he gave a strange look. Of course. I asked again if he’d cleaned it up yet, to which he said that he had not. Amanda was ready now, and they headed to the door. What to do? I don’t know that I’m OK with iPod to school, and I know that we are on the same page regarding the copied/obscene stuff, so I asked for the device. I said he could have it back when he was ready to clean it up. It is what a good, responsible parent would do, right? So why do I feel so lousy about it? Is preventing one more day of listening to contraband worth the eight hours of paternal resentment? He was very angry. I know, I know, you can’t always be their friend and they are going to resist things. But that is not what I’m talking about. Being on the right side of the principle doesn’t give me carte blanche for bad parenting. Why didn’t I tell him Saturday that he had until Monday morning or he would forfeit the toy? Or any deadline? Not only would he not be angry right now, it would have been purged. I know that he responds well to the combination of a warning and the threat of device loss. Without the warning he feels blind-sided (especially with his phone.) Sure, I asked him, multiple times, but if I don’t give him an ultimatum and a deadline, it probably isn’t going to happen.I know, he should have just done it, but he is a 14-year-old boy. I know from experience that they most of their bad choices are really just an omission of good choices. I have the iPod, and I’m sure that this afternoon we’ll get it cleaned up, but how do I repair the damage to our relationship? First, I will apologize for the confiscation without warning. I’ll also get him some peach Jelly Bellys, which he loves, as a peace offering. I’ll let you know how it goes.