Culinary Creativity

Do you ever watch those cooking shows and think, “OK, stop. This is just getting too weird.” On one of them they have the contestants create a four course meal featuring some common thing, like coconut or chocolate. Simple concept, right? But these chefs come up with the most bizarre things, food combinations that should never be together, like pasta and peppermint.

They have the wildest things; things that I didn’t even know were edible, like tree bark or mongoose. Then they spruce everything up with an impossible number of adjectives: Braised free-range muskrat marshmallow cilantro vinaigrette puree. C’mon. But they’re not done. Then they add “with just a hint of pickled beets and rhubarb extract, caramelized.”

I mean, hats off to their culinary creativity but some of the creations are just bad combinations.

Seared Sea Bass with a fermented kiwi-cantaloupe glaze? Seriously. But no matter how bizarre the concoction the judges act like it is no big deal; they have had it before. They will say something like, “Great presentation, interesting texture, I’m not sure I like the cilantro-beet balance.”

I’m not sure I could put that in my mouth, much less my stomach. There is a reason that there aren’t any marshmallow muskrat Hot Pockets. 

Ah, but the judges have sophisticated palates. What does that even mean? Did they send their mouth to an Ivy League school? "I went to State, but my mouth and nose went to Yale. There they learned to distinguish the aromatic nuances of 22 different types of capers." My palate must be dum. It likes taters. Mashed. With a hint of gravy. Just once I would like to see a judge ask for ketchup.

If I were on that show, I would struggle to find enough adjectives: It is made from a can of Hormel chili, no beans, simmered at 210°, topped with cheddar cheese. Grated cheddar cheese. Wait, corn-fed southern Wisconsin shredded mild cheddar and haphazardly crumbled vine-ripened lightly-salted baked tortilla chips. I mean crisps. With a hint of Taco Bell hot sauce. Vinaigrette.  That's it.  Taco Bell hot sauce vinaigrette puree pesto.

Maybe I'd be OK, but I probably won’t get the chance.