In Good Hands

My voice therapist mentioned that I seem to have a lot of anxiety, carried primarily in my neck and throat areas. I admit it; I’m a worrier. I worried about that. I can’t help where I carry it. I wish I knew how to carry it my back pocket. Anyway, she asked if I’d ever had a massage. Well, sure. My brother-in-law once gave me one for like, five minutes. I can’t recall others but sure, I’ve had massages. The kind you pay for? Hello, my name is Dave Hixon. We must not have met. I don’t even like to pay for electricity. Yeah, like I’d really do that.

Kara thought it was a good idea and knowing I wouldn’t do it otherwise, she bought me a non-refundable gift card for Christmas to a place called Massage Envy. With the unused card still in my desk two months later, she made the appointment for me.

I went today. It was pretty much what I expected: fragrant, soothing, soft music, weird. Right before she began I wondered if she could do it without touching me. It was just strange. I mean, shoulders and neck are fine but at one point she massaged my forehead and my face! I guess I can understand the forehead; she probably couldn’t resist. It’s a two-hander.

It was a Herculean task for me not to begin mentally composing this report while on the table. I am my biggest fan and I knew if I thought about the process I would surely crack myself up. One little snicker did escape and the lady asked me if she had tickled me. I lied and said yes.

I don’t know how masseuses evaluate their day, but having a client giggling the whole time can’t be good. What else could wreck their day? I could just hear her telling her friend after work:

“What a day! They doubled-up on the scented oils in room 5, Herr Muelen had scabies, and they played Yanni like 6 times in a row. I need a massage.”

OK, the only other thing I’ll say about this experience is that I can’t stand the name. Massage Envy? Such a rich naming opportunity wasted. I could think of a bunch of better names on the spot.

• Massage in a Bottle
• That’s the Rub
• Just 4 Kinks
• She Loves me Knot
• Rite of Massage
• Attension!

And maybe a bit wordy;

• We’re not home, Leave a Massage