Chirping

Last night at 11:30 p.m. one of our smoke detectors chirped.  Where’s the fire? No, no fire, it wasn’t sounding, it was just chirping. This, of course, means that the battery is low. I think. We changed the battery but still, every 60 seconds we got a chirp. It was a new battery. I think. We took the battery out but the chirps continued, more urgently now. Maybe every 30 seconds. Where is it getting power? I noticed that it was connected to wiring, and that the circuit box in the garage had a switch for smoke detectors. Wait a minute. If they are tapped into the home’s electric grid, why do they even need batteries? And why are they still chirping? And if I flip the circuit, who knows when I'll get back to the real problem.  You know, it doesn’t matter; I’ve got a sleepy, semi-OCD roommate that is chirping the other 59 seconds of the minute. I flipped the breaker. That silenced them.

About 3 minutes later a different one started chirping. Apparently without its live electric feed, the battery became drained more quickly. Then a second one started chirping. It was an epidemic! We restored the power and they quieted down, but the first one began again.

I understand that the chirp is meant to be annoying so people will not delay changing the battery. It isn’t supposed to be soothing water sounds. I get that. But couldn’t it start with something less innocuous, like maybe a flash of light every hour? Then after 12 hours start playing soft classical music, then something like Yanni and if that doesn’t work bring our the big guns: hip hop. Or the chirp.

And why not a voice? I mean, I’m not a bird. Tell me. “Please douse the open flame” or “Please replace the battery.” And then when I do, either say “Thank you” or “That’s not a new battery. It was made the same year as the mint jelly in your parents’ refrigerator. Please use a new battery.”