Alarms

The home showing sirens sounded early today, and shortly thereafter another alarm sounded. We were low on air freshener. We only had enough to overpower but not to asphyxiate so Kara asked me to run to the local drugstore to fetch some.

Sure. But wait. The product diversification alarm was now sounding in my head. I envisioned seven brands, each with three sizes and eight scent choices. I better get very specific instructions. Kara said, “Get the kind we always get.” She saw my blank stare and added, “It is called ‘Tropical Orange’ or something like that.”

While driving to the store I repeated “Tropical Orange” several times. What kind of dumb name is that? Aren’t all oranges grown in tropical regions? Do they sell Siberian Orange? Himalayan Orange? I guess studies have shown that the “Shriveled-up Yukon Orange” scent doesn’t sell well.

Anyway, I was relieved to find that the store only carried one brand, and one size. Maybe I could do this! There were only four varieties and my choices were (1) Outdoor (2) Fresh (3) Clean, and (4) Citrus Mist. Seriously though, who comes up with these names? Were there brainstorming teams? One team came up with “Citrus Mist” and the other could only muster “Clean?” C’mon now, sounds like someone wanted to get home early. How about “Non-Citrus Sanitary” or “Pristine?”

I wavered for a minute. Given my choices it would seem to be a no brainer but she would know the difference between “Citrus Mist” and “Tropical Orange.” However, she did qualify “Tropical Orange” with “or something like that” so this had to be right. At least it was defensible.

At home Kara glanced at it and said, “Wrong kind. I wanted the Tropical Orange.” The thought flashed across my mind to remind her of the “or something like that” clause but thought better of it. In fairness, she did say, “It will do” and began saturating the air.

Later, when Amanda got home she commented, “It smells like vomit in here.” Kara shot me a withering glance. I'm pretty sure it was Citrus Mist. (Maybe it was really "Heaven Mist" and I didn't see the "n.")

This afternoon Kara told me that I didn’t even buy air freshener, it was “odor neutralizer.” I am serious. OK the marketing folks at Glade have way too much time on their hands. What’s next? Olfactory Maximizer? Inhaling Helper? Or maybe that is why they mailed it in with “Clean” – they had to name all the freshener scents, all the neutralizer scents AND come up with three new categories of the exact same product. I’ll bet the company thesaurus is dog-eared.

p.s. Kara also clarified that the name is “Hawaiian Breeze” and it comes in an orange can. It has nothing to do with fruit.